Ending In Ice......

I never wanted to leave the place where I was once born…. Because free food and affection that too free of cost is so rare now-a-days…… Hats off to my parents who never stopped all those despite of having a scatty son in me……I was then 18 years old and had just completed my graduation…….It was decided by my family that since I was not that civilized, Delhi would be the ideal place for me for my further studies…I was at station with tears in my eyes and the entire family with all my bro-in-laws were probably there to say “ please for heaven’s shake don’t come back again “……But then probably their goodness didn’t allowed them to say so……I with a depressed mood, accompanied by a scary looking colleague of my bro-in-law stepped into the train…..I stopped crying when I saw a beautiful girl in my bogie…….My bro-in-law’s colleague dropped me at my college’s co-stay hostel but saw many couples sitting in the garden……Crap……That Hitler told that to my sister……Within 7 days, I was shifted to a private house with two room partners with me……Huh……Somehow life began once again after such a frustrating start…… Eventually I came to know that both my roomies were desperately after my house owner’s beautiful daughter who used to smoke when her parents were away …… Well…As a consultant I got the opportunity to consult my first two clients at Delhi……But my clients were always shown red eyes whenever they delivered the filmy dialogues to attract her attention …….Crap….Now it was time to protect my image as a good consultant…..And so I had to think despite of my sister’s warning who once suggested me never to think to come up to an idea as I was always worst at doing that……There is a famous saying “Always choose the back door if someone has slammed the front door on your face”……Well….I had to do that for my clients…. Since aunty was very sympathetic to me for my incredible singing abilities, she sometimes used to call me to advice me to concentrate in my studies…… Afterwards surprisingly one day she gave me the charge of helping her daughter in Maths….. All of a sudden I became the most respected person in my flat….. My roomies started doing everything to please me …... Once again I got free food and brother hood even after staying away from home…… But the God never wanted to see me happy for long……Her marriage was fixed but I was forced to listen Jagjit Singh and Gulam Ali by my roomies as suddenly they found taste in those pakau gazals….. Both my roomies have become proud uncles of 2 naughty kids who now use to call me Masterji like their mom and dad…..

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to eat monkey’s crap.

The Bermuda Triangle....

I got a new job….I was excited….Better pay package and better work culture was there in my mind for sure…...I immediately called my sweetest sister who has got all the rights to reject any my decisions if my Jiju has gone for a party with his friends the previous night but I could convince her as Jiju was suffering from fever that time…… Well……. My Boss in my previous company gave me a farewell with my colleagues saying about my good qualities which even I never knew….Crap…..But I digested…..The only thing which attracted me to the farewell party was the gift which was to be delivered to me at the end of the party and so I tolerated those speeches given by my colleagues …… But I knew I would be missing the gems of the earth after departing from Bombay and I did……I reported my new Boss and joined Chambal ……I landed at the city and a extremely thin person welcomed me and took me to the office van……I sat in the van and the guy suddenly sang “ saat samunder paar me teri piche piche aa gai” in a girl’s tone and raced the car with a horrible speed to my hotel…..Crap….I was damn scared but I dared to sit in the van and safely reached hotel as I was quite fortunate…..I went to my office next day although I was not supposed to go there……I saw the board and went inside the office but stopped outside as few people were in meeting….I saw a old man delivering a speech on Indian politics and few young guys are listening to him as if they are attending world peace conference……I went inside and introduced myself……I later came to know that the old man was the office peon and the younger guys were my officers…..I was shocked to know in the evening that the thin man who escorted me to my hotel was my would be driver for my personal car……Well…..I still don’t allow Raj to drive my car with that “sat samunder” song on as he has a tendency to wave his hand in the air as soon as that music is on and races my car with a speed of 120km/hr..... I never forgot the famous saying “ Never allow a butcher to sing “ Jenifer Lopez “ on a stage as he may slay the entire extravaganza" ....... But the most unfortunate part is my Bhanja is a great fan of that song and he has sent me at least 4 CDs which includes that song in the menu…….

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the what Mr. Michel Jackson sings about kids…….

King Soloman's Gold Mine........

Life is never complete without adventures…..I was probably the most aggressive fellow in my group who believed in miracles as I had read “ King Solomon’s mines” …….So I decided to be the most wealthiest man, the universe had ever seen at the age of 17…….My father always used to say “ There is no short cut to success except hard work”…… So I discussed with my group of intellectuals and they advised me to start a poultry firm….. My dearest x-granny who once used to love me more than my parents for sure once advised me “ Never take advise from a person who polishes shoes because he can only advice you how to take care of your shoe but not socks which stinks at the end of the day“ Well….I have a tendency to forget and so I had to forget……..I purchased two pair of chicken of opposite gender and gave it to a friend who had space to take care of them…….My granny always used to say “ Never give a butcher to nourish a goat as he may sell it's flesh in half rate and also tell you how good the goat was “……It was the day when the epic recipe was to be cooked in the history of man kind…….Chicken banana curry…….My friends never hesitated to utilize the 4 chicken for that curry although they knew the King Solomon in me wont ever approve of it as I had the desire to burry the biggest gold mine ever the human race can think of……..Huh....But the group of intellectuals did what was expected from them………When I asked my friend about the health of the chicken after two days, he told me that they have been sent to a doctor as they were not keeping well and acted as if he is in deep sorrow……When I further querried he just disppeared to save himself from being kicked.......Granny !! I miss you like hell…….You are the one who tolerated me once who used to do all silly things with you…… Nobody came in my life who can love me like you…….U uttered the last word “ Nil “ at your death bed although I never respected you till you were alive…….

If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do , then YOU DESERVE IT.......

The Three Musketeers.....

Life was always so cruel with me as I was privileged to get few good but heroic friends in the past…..There is a famous saying “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere to find a rat”. I was never superstitious but few best fiends made me believe that finally there should be somebody to pray to who can really forgive them for their deeds….. I had to meet the black cats who crossed my path and changed my college life at Delhi……Life was always a war and the war was never over without those brave people around me….. It was a bright sunny morning and I was able to get up to prepare myself to attend my first class after skipping classes for two full days as I used to get up late as per the tradition…..I reached the college and found a short guy with a pony tailed hair cut running towards me with a smiling face and a red rose in his hand……I was quite surprised as he was wearing a very unusual costume……Well …… U can’t tell it exactly a costume as he was only wearing a red brief, a green tie on his neck but a pair of sport shoes…..Soon he was in front of me and said “ r u a new student ??” He again said when I nodded “Hey !! Its fun to run like this……Would you like to join me ????”….. "Crap !! You are looking like bloody Mogli…..I don’t want to look like Bhaloo by running with you……But why the hell are you running like a mad cow ???? “ I replied with surprise……He clarified me “ Seniors asked who would like to run wearing this costume and I raised my hand since the undie was new”…… I had found the second musketeer in him although replied “ Go to hell “ and he again continued running with a smiling face as it was more important than attending classes…..I used to call him “ Sandu “ in stead of calling him " Laal Chaddi / Chaddi " which would have attaracted a lot of public attention…..After that I went to my class room and found a very tall guy sleeping on the front row……I asked him with anger “ Who the hell are you and why the crap you are sleeping in the classroom ????“……. He suddenly got up and said “ Good night Sir….” but corrected himself immediately “ Sorry…..Good morning but you are a fresher, right ?? Actually I am a Sardar…..So I was sleeping to avoid any misfortune since its now 12PM…..” I saw the third musketeer in him, happily shared the last bench while “ Sandu “ was finishing his rounds…..He was late as he had to sing in front of a girl while offering the red rose “de de pyar de” as instructed by seniors and eventually got scolded severely by a classmate of ours…….But the formation of a strong alliance was initiated from the first day with " Commando" [ Well....I had to name him as I just didn't like people taking such a big man like him so lightly but in vain ] and "Sandu".....After 15 days we took the famous oath “One for all and all for one” and we became the inseparable friends for life like Alexandre Dumas’s famaus three epic characters…… From that day onwards the three fearless musketeers lived in us…….

The chicken came first – A Goddess would look silly sitting on an egg......

The Epic Lover.......

Today is Saint Valentine’s day who had taught us all to beleive in love but without speaking about how…..So the writer in me thought of writing about the epic lover, I have ever encountered in my life till today….I used to call him Champ as he was even too lazy to play cards with my intellectual group of friends….It was a very cruel day as I was dragged by my faculty to his office as I had scored 11 marks out of 100 in one of the subjects which was more than my scorings in other subjects in my class exam but while consulting a friend of mine…….I came out of his office after hearing all those sweet words and I had a very bad mood since he had disturbed me while I was giving my consultancy…….. I was at my room and Champ came to take my advice as he was fed up of his two year’s experience of following his would be love to everywhere without even speaking to her personally……He was a friend who never used to play cards with me but still was a good friend…….Well…..Actually it was Champ’s innocent eyes which made me think seriously to help him out of this serious situation…..There is a saying “ Never invite a tiger to your home to eat crap”…..I forgot that and spoke to Champ’s love but surprisingly she agreed to talk to Champ……If a girl can really choose Champ then no man on earth would die single as he was a boy who always beleived in passing innovative comments to girls.......It was a Valentine's day and we the group of intellectuals prepared Champ after a effort of full one hour as the same morning he had fall dawn to get swollen lips while stealing roses from Hitler’s compound for his love……It was a time to show fortitude and so I trained Champ with all kind of dialogues to impress his would be lady love……Finally the hero went to meet his would be heroine who was looking like an Goddess that particular day as Champ briefed me later…..But you can’t really train a wolf to play soccer and I realized that particular day after hearing to Champ…….His first sentence after seeing his would be love was “ Aaila…You are looking like a jhakas item today “ by mistake and so the quarrel was bound happen between them for next 15 minutes……Finally Champ returned with the stolen roses in his hand back and a pale face to look at …….My dad had once told me “ never give up till you hit the bulls eye” and so I had to assure Champ that "its not over yet"…….I again spoke to his would be love after a month but came to know from her that Champ had whistled at her best friend before a week……Huh…..When I asked Champ about that he felt so sorry by committing the blunder unknowingly that he decided to meet her to apologize……But it was the wolf in him again who denied to play soccer and he again quarreled with her instead of saying sorry when they met for the last time ……

One can train a lover to a pickpocket but can’t even think of converting a pickpocket to a lover….Because he may steal from the girl’s purse even on the first date…..

The Master Chef........

I was never a good cook but I had learnt cooking as I got the privilege of staying with the best cooks who are trend setters but they never had cooked in real life…….Sanjeev kapoor took the credit of being the greatest cook but my friends were always with the ideas which the man kind have/had never thought……..I was cooking during my college time as my mother had targeted me as the person who can be trapped better than my sisters…….Crap……But yeah…It was a day when we got bored of our routine hostel games of playing cards and decided to play cricket in the afternoon…….Huh……The game was on the ground but I knocked the sixer to the compound where my friend was trying for his love……Suddenly the Hitler came out of the campus and I forced the bat in the hands of the hero who was desperately after his daughter……..The Hitler called him and told all those lines which was much better than any slang for sure ……It was the time for the band of brothers to take revenge as it was then the matter of self esteem…..We targeted his banana tree which had cluster of bananas in it…..The hero brought us all the victory by steeling the bananas in that particular night….But the bananas had to be utilized…….We arranged for a lottery and Raj was employed as the master chef and Lal as his assistant……Well……That was a night of barberianism……And I forgot the famous saying "Never accept a drink from a urologist".......I would vomite if anyone can dare to feed me with the same stuff again...........During dinner we had rice, banana fry and chicken banana curry (with only bones as chicken was completely dissolved in the curry) as we were again playing cards while the master chef was cooking……. Food was ready but the master chef and his assistant ran away from hostel to save their respective lives but came back to their rooms the next morning.......

Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG !!!! IT'S BIRDIE’S CRAP !!!!!

The first fishing voyage.......

It was one of the darkest evening during my college hood and I was thinking of taking a temporary break from my consultancy work to get myself involved in some other activity for the time being as two of my consulted boys got scolded severely by their would be lovers (which never happened) by saying the filmy dialogues as guided by me and there was a big question mark on my abilities…..Well….There is a famous saying “ A man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his hand “ …….I forgot that and approached “ Puturaa “…….I call him “ Puturaa “ out of affection and he calls me “ Dada" out of respect for sure…..Well….My Putura/nephew is an intellectual and is full of wise advices to everybody at any point of time who owns a paan shop near the place I use to stay……It was time for putura to consult his dada……It was difficult…… So he took half an hour to think when I almost finished eating a big pack of cake from his shop for free……The intellectual in him finally opened his mouth “ Dada !! why don’t you go for fishing ???? “……..I said “ Yeah I can…But how would I go for fishing as I am quite inexperienced ”…….Putura assured me of giving me the fishing yard stick with the masala that can easily attract a fish to swallow but by the next morning…….My first fishing voyage was planned and I was just thrilled to catch a fish next morning…….I announced that in my home next morning and went although my mother was quite confident of my capabilities……I took my best friend with me on such a important expedition and we were at the bank of the biggest pond of my home town next day…….The fishing efforts began with two yard sticks in the hand of two brothers……It took 5 hours and we approached the next fisherman to us as no fish got caught by us…..He smelled the masala we were using and asked “ why the hell you are using cow dung in the masala ????’’…….We purchased 1.5 kg fish each from the fisherman as the ego in us never allowed us to show our parents that we can even fail in such a easy mission…….Next day when we parked our bikes near putura’s shop, he just ran away to escape….But we ate another two packs of cakes from his shop to take vengeance…..

There's no such thing as a spirit...... It's just something people have made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson......

The shimmering past........

It was the time when I was a student and once when we all friends were really struggling for money to arrange for a party.....We all gave up as everybody in my group had spent more than their usual pocket money they used to get from their parents.....But I had once heard my dad saying me " If there is a will there is of course a way "......So I never gave up.......And also my dad had once told me " when all the doors are closed for you, a messiah comes for your rescue "........My dad is always a inspiration to me as he is a self made man who has the courage of tolerating me till date........Well Yeah....The messiah had to come for the rescue of our postponed party......The messiah did come........He was a friend of mine who had fall dawn from a tree which was very close to ladies hostel and broke his hand........Huh......I cant tell his name as he is married by now.......And I also cant tell why he was there on a tree which was near to a ladies hostel......But the destiny had planned our party..........So I shared my idea with my friends.......I told all of my friends to collect money for my friend's treatment but after telling " Our friend has met a road accident while riding his bike "..........All the boys and girls contributed money and we had a grand party afterwords.......But we never excluded the messiah from our party........He was the one who joined us as the guest of honour with a plaster on his hand........

I feel true friends are never inferior than dogs...They never leave you even though you kick them out......

The Nostalgia.........

It took me so many years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up as few people requested me to give up… Well….To be honest I didn’t have any other options left but to write this time…….. There were 2 options left for me since my sister had warned me not to go for shopping as my cup boards were full of my dresses……. Option no. 1 was to stand in the balcony to see Bips smiling at me……Well…..I don’t normally call her Bips but Sachin out of love calls her by that name…… Option 2 was to sit at home and utilize my writing skills…….Huh…..I was never a writer since I always knew how bad I am……. But it was Bip's dad whose knowledge in all kind of slang motivated me to stay away from my balcony and to be a writer for future……… Well……. It was during rains and Sachin cursed me as I got an invitation from Bips's dad for lunch…….That day I was fortunate enough to discover Bip’s dad’s knowledge in slang……… I really respect him as a human being who is responsible for Bips being single till today……… Despite of all these threats Sachin is still hopeful…….. I can tell Bips regarding Sachin but the biggest problem with him is that he fells in love with a different girl every week till the girl finally says him " go to hell " or something of that sort………....

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.